Letter to the Editor

An Open Letter to the DMV

By Genie Abrams, Newburgh
Posted 9/16/21

I received in the mail today your letter addressed to one Sidney Albert Ferguson III. This was the fancy birth-certificate name of my friend Boomer, who stayed at my house for a few months once in …

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Letter to the Editor

An Open Letter to the DMV

Posted

I received in the mail today your letter addressed to one Sidney Albert Ferguson III. This was the fancy birth-certificate name of my friend Boomer, who stayed at my house for a few months once in the early 2000s. Ordinarily I would not open someone else’s mail, but I was sure Boomer wouldn’t mind, as he’s been dead for four years.

You said you were writing due to his “failure to answer one or more traffic tickets,” and that you were now offering him a payment plan with “no additional fines, surcharges or fees.”
Friends, Boomer’s service in Vietnam left him permanently suspicious of government projects like wars and ticket-payment plans. By the time I met him, he was a colorful, homeless and much-loved Newburgh character, well-known to residents and the police. Garrulous and generous of spirit, he had a lot of good ideas. One was a project called “Cans for Cancer” – a series of vending-machine-sized “redemption centers” where the nickels from all those empty cans and bottles would automatically be sent to cancer-research organizations. Before he could bring this idea to fruition, however, Boomer himself died of cancer.

Well, I see that I have veered into the “off-topic” lane. I began writing to you merely in the hope that you will save some nickels as well, by removing Boomer’s name from your mailing list.

By the way: This suggestion comes with no fines, surcharges or fees.